How And What Were You Taught About Sex?
Most people seem to know that their views towards sex, their relationships with their sexualities, and their ideas of what is “acceptable” or “unacceptable” when it comes to sex are highly influenced by the culture they grew up in. The relationships between cultural teachings and attitudes towards sex seem pretty obvious sometimes; if you grow up in a family that thinks homosexuality is a sin, there’s a good chance you will also think it is sinful. But I have found that most people do not take the time to fully think through all of the ways they have been influenced by society when it comes to sex. While it may seem a bit tedious at first, I think it can be useful to spend some time looking at how your views towards sex have been shaped by the cultures around you.
Of course, there are many different ways to think about culture. You can look at the country you live in, and the views held by the majority of the population. What about your state? Your city? Your neighborhood? Consider the socioeconomic status that you grew up in, and if you are of a different status now. What about your race? Your country of origin? Or your religion? Take a look at what your parents taught you about sex. Did you hear stories about past generations? What about your current extended family? Did you have non-biological family that you considered to be a part of your close community? What did your friends teach you about sex? What about school? Or your place of work? How about books? Television? Music? Movies?
When you’re thinking about all of these different forms of culture, focus on the behaviors you were taught you “should” do, and the ones you were taught you “shouldn’t” do. For example, if you grew up in a conservative Catholic community, you may have been taught that you should not have sex before marriage. Take a moment to think about each of the following topics:
- Sexual orientation: is it OK to be homosexual? What about bisexual? Or pansexual? Can people experiment with their sexualities? Is it different for men or women?
- How do you talk about sex? Who should initiate the conversations? Is it appropriate to discuss with family? With friends? With your sexual partner? Which topics are off-limits for conversation?
- Premarital sex
- Losing your virginity: What age is appropriate? What age is too early? How about too late?
- Touching your partner’s genitals or having them touch yours
- Masturbation: In what circumstances is it OK? Is it acceptable to masturbate in front of a partner?
- Oral sex
- Anal sex
- Sex toys: Is it OK to use vibrators alone? What about with a partner? How about anal beads? Cock rings? Blindfolds? Strap-ons? Candle wax? Flavored lubricants? Massage oils?
- S&M: Is it acceptable to incorporate restraints in your sexual repertoire? Power play? What about whips? Paddles? Hooks? Floggers?
- Polyamorous relationships: How do you feel about people having more than one partner? Is it different for men and women?
- Threesomes or group sex
- Pornography: Are erotic novels acceptable? Pornographic magazines? Videos? Pictures? Are there different rules for men and women? What about viewing porn alone versus with a partner?
- Sex education: When should we start teaching kids about sex? Where should we teach them? Who should teach them?
- Age differences in sexual partners: Is a large age gap acceptable? Is it different for someone who is 17 versus someone who is 27?
This is not an exhaustive list, but it is a good jumping-off point for starting to look at how you were taught about sex. Are the values you were raised with the same as the ones you have today, or have you changed your mind in any area? Do certain beliefs or practices stir up strong feelings for you? Do you feel restricted or unaccepted by the values you were raised with? Do you notice shame or embarrassment? Are you interested in taking a deeper look at your “shoulds” and “should nots”? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to set up a consultation.