The Weekend Sexperiment: Taking Turns
Welcome to The Weekend Sexperiment! Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. In TWS posts, I offer a simple sex therapy homework assignment to try out over the weekend. Some experiments are geared towards couples, but others are suitable for single folks. As always, please feel free to contact me if you have a certain topic you’d like to see covered. If you’re interested in counseling, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.
One of the most harmful sexual myths I run into in my work is that of the simultaneous orgasm. We see it on TV and in the movies all the time: both partners climaxing at the exact same second, for the exact same amount of time. They tumble onto their backs with the exact same looks on their faces.
Most people have the expectation that the vast majority of their sexual interactions should end in this way. The quest for spontaneous orgasm creates a variety of problems.
To begin with, simultaneous orgasm is actually pretty rare, so many people are setting themselves up with unrealistic expectations. This can lead to disappointment, a sense of failure, or a belief that you’re doing things “wrong”.
Then there are the problems that go along with aiming for simultaneous orgasm every single time. Couples start focusing more on timing than on the actual sensations and pleasure of sex. We go into our heads with thoughts of “slow down! Slow down! Not yet! Think of baseball!”, or, “hurry up! Hurry up! Why am I taking so long!”
It also contributes to the pressure most people feel to orgasm. It makes sex incredibly goal-oriented; the hunt for dual orgasms dictates and defines the entire encounter.
This weekend, your sexperiment is to take turns being the one who receives pleasure.
Saturday (the entire day) will be one person’s day, and Sunday will be the others’. On your day, you are the only person who is going to be pleasured sexually (you can also say you’re the only one allowed to orgasm, but I’d suggest not making orgasm the focal point of the day).
You can decide when and how you would like that to happen. You can ask for massage, sensual touch, manual stimulation, oral sex, masturbation, the use of sex toys, or anything else that brings you pleasure. Take intercourse off the table so that you can truly be the focus of the day.
When it’s your day to receive, try to pay as much attention as you can to the stimulation that you are receiving. See if you can energetically open yourself up to experiencing and taking in more and more pleasure. Feel yourself move through the different stages of arousal, and notice all of the nuances of your orgasm.
Once you’ve finished any particular encounter, give yourself the time to bask in the afterglow of the sensations.
Notice what it is like for you to be the sole focus. Compare that to what it is like to be the giver of pleasure, without receiving.
For many of us, being the center of attention can be uncomfortable. If this is the case for you, see if you can lean into that discomfort a bit and get a better sense of it. What is it exactly that feels hard for you?
For others, being the receiver will be simply delightful. Just notice whatever it is that comes up for you.
See if you learn anything from this experience that you can take back to your everyday sex life. Perhaps you were able to experience greater pleasure, relax more, or take some of the pressure off of yourself. At the very least, I hope you start to put less emphasis on the simultaneous orgasm.
Happy Sexperimenting!