The Weekend Sexperiment: Stop Ignoring The Little Ways Your Partner Shows Their Love
Welcome to The Weekend Sexperiment! Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. In TWS posts, I offer a simple sex therapy homework assignment to try out over the weekend. Some experiments are geared towards couples, but others are suitable for single folks. As always, please feel free to contact me if you have a certain topic you’d like to see covered. If you’re interested in more Sexperiments, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a Sexploration Session.
“Wait, where the hell are we going again?”
I’m not exactly sure how many times my husband has heard me utter this line, but it’s probably in the thousands. His typical response is a barely perceivable sigh and a patient, “just follow me.”
My husband is amazing at directions, so he’s always the one who leads the way when we’re going somewhere new. Whereas I have to flip a map around at least 720 degrees to figure out which way I’m facing, my husband has a spidey sense for making his way from point A to point B. At times he resembles a well-trained lab rat in a maze – navigating each turn almost intuitively, stopping only occasionally to sniff out the cheesy prize at the finish line.
When we first started dating, his map-reading and shortcut-finding skills absolutely floored me. I quickly started counting on him to lead the way whenever we went out together. My reliance grew to the point where I stopped even bothering to consult a map or wonder which route we were taking. I stayed glued to his side, following his movements like a little lemming.
During a recent trip in a new city, I found myself trailing my husband on our way to brunch. Even though I’d followed him countless times over the last six years, something about that morning felt different. All of a sudden, this thought popped into my head:
“This is one of the ways he shows me he loves me.”
When my husband takes it upon himself to look up where we’re going and figure out the most pleasantly efficient route, he’s not just being logistical – he’s being loving. Sure, it’s just one of the millions of ways he shows his love, and it’s not a particularly grandiose display, but it’s a gesture of affection nonetheless.
It got me thinking about how often these little demonstrations of love go unrecognized, especially in a long-term relationship. When things are shiny and new, each of our partner’s actions gets picked apart, analyzed, and imbued with meaning. He called instead of texting back; he must be really into me. She bought an extra sandwich for me without being asked; what a catch. As the months and years start to tick by, we stop paying so much attention to their every move. It’s a good thing in many ways; after all, the hyperfocus of a new relationship is exhausting and unsustainable. But it also means that we begin to unknowingly disregard those unspoken acts of love.
This weekend, your Sexperiment is to start redirecting your attention to the ways your partner shows you that they care. Does he always pick up your dry cleaning? Does he make the bed every morning? Does she make time to speak to your mom every week? Does she make sure the bills are paid on time? What are the behaviors you stopped paying attention to ages ago? Are there gestures you have never even consciously acknowledged?
Whatever you discover, take a moment to say thank you to your partner. Keep it sweet and simple, like, “hey babe, I really appreciate that you take the time to ask me about my day when I come home from work.” Look into her eyes, give him a big bear hug, plant a smooch on her.
When I thanked my husband for being my human GPS, he actually laughed out loud. “But I always do that!” He seemed baffled by the recognition. “I know,” I responded, “and I appreciate it! It makes me feel loved.” He smiled and grabbed my hand.
These moments may seem so small as to border on insignificant, but they’re not. They’re truly the glue that holds long-term relationships together.