How Sexperiments Can Save Your Sex Life
I was recently asked by an acquaintance to describe what makes my particular brand of sex therapy unique. While there were several components to my answer, I started with the fact that I rely heavily on the use of Sexperiments. (Don’t worry, they don’t involve any actual lab equipment!)
I have developed a library of Sexperiments over years of working with clients, and they have come to serve as one of the guiding tenets of my work. If you read this blog (heck, just look right below this post), you’ve probably seen the word “Sexperiment” popping up repeatedly.
Aside from being the obvious smooshing together of two words: sex and experiment, you may be wondering what Sexperiment actually means. Well, let me tell you!
A Sexperiment is a low-risk, unintimidating invitation to explore and play with a particular aspect of your sexuality.
The basic set-up is that you are offered something new to try, and asked to pay close attention to how it feels when you do it.
Sexperiments serve a variety of purposes in the context of sex therapy. They can be used to gather more information, to teach a skill, to feel more present and engaged, or to rev up your excitement.
Examples of past Sexperiments from this blog have included trying different types of touch, learning to differentiate between arousal and desire, tracking your level of pleasure throughout the day, and getting more in tune with what you like.
The heart of the Sexperiment lies in trying something new.
Variety and novelty truly are what keep life – and relationships – exciting. Humans love comfort and routine so much that we frequently settle into predictable patterns, sometimes without even knowing it. It isn’t until we catch ourselves feeling bored, detached, or stuck that we realize we need to shake things up.
We have to keep learning and relearning the lesson that an engaged and fulfilling life involves trying new things and pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zones.
Sexperiments do just that, and they do it in a way that feels safe and low-risk. The very act of calling it a Sexperiment allows you to put some distance between yourself and the new act, and you’re more likely to give yourself greater permission to try something that you might not normally consider. You’re not committing to anything, you’re just trying it out! If you learn something about yourself, that’s great. If you don’t, it’s no big deal.
I initially created the Sexperiment because I firmly believe that having a great sex life is a skill that requires effort and practice. You’re not born being awesome in bed. You don’t wake up one day feeling completely comfortable with every aspect of your sexuality.
Sex is like any other hobby or skill – it requires actually doing it to truly get better at it. Would you try to learn how to play football solely by reading about it? Would you try to become a chef just by talking about cooking? Of course not! It’s the same with sex. You can read all the sex manuals in the world, but all of that information is only going to do so much good when you’re standing naked in front of another person.
Sexperiments help you develop skills and comfort by giving you invaluable hands-on, real world experience.
Another important characteristic of Sexperiments is that they are designed to feel manageable and doable. I recognize that sex can be overwhelming for many people, so I have crafted my Sexperiments to be bite-sized. I’ll take a complex topic and break it down into approachable steps.
I’ve read sex technique books and sex advice columns where the author will instruct a couple to just “be more adventurous in bed” or “make her orgasm every time”. That kind of advice isn’t helpful because it’s impossible to know where to start. It’s like telling someone to learn Spanish simply by memorizing all of the words.
If you don’t have a concrete game plan that’s filled with actionable steps that you’re actually excited about trying, you’re not going to learn the skill. When I work with my clients, we use Sexperiments to create this game plan and help the work feel engaging and rewarding.
Sexperiments aren’t just about skills-building though. I also use them to help alleviate the anxiety that many people feel when they come in for sex therapy. Being able to do something tangible usually helps people feel more comfortable.
Don’t get me wrong – the feelings that come up around sex are important and deserve being acknowledged and explored. Feelings are almost always there for a reason. But knowing that you’re taking actual steps towards working on something will instantly make you feel more confident and more excited.
Have you ever felt anxiety about all of the tasks you have on your plate? Ever experienced the relief that can come along with writing all of those tasks down and developing a plan for when and how you’re going to do them? Sexperimenting can function in the same sort of way.
Finally, Sexperiments allow you to get to know yourself and your partner better. Since sex is still such a taboo topic in our culture, most of us don’t give ourselves the permission to explore our sexual identities.
I frequently hear people stating that they don’t know what they like, what works for them, or how to express themselves when it comes to sex. Just as frequently, I work with clients who make blanket statements about themselves (such as “I have a low sex drive”), only to discover through the use of Sexperiments that what they believed to be true wasn’t quite accurate (“actually, my sex drive is only low on the days that I’m exhausted from work”).
Trying something out offers you the opportunity to discover what is authentically real for you.
So why should you bother with a Sexperiment? Because they have the capacity to make sex more fun and enjoyable, help you learn about yourself and your body, and deepen the bond between you and your partner.
And because they are fun! If you have even the slightest bit of curiosity about your sexuality, your desires, your patterns, or your anxieties, you’ll get something out of Sexperimenting.
Interested in more Sexperiments? I’d love to tailor some just for you! One of the unique skills that I bring into my work as a sex therapist is my creativity. I get so much joy out of collaborating with my clients to find innovative ways for them to explore their sexualities. How could you bring more pleasure and enjoyment into your life? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.