The Surprising Ways Spontaneity Can Actually Kill Your Sex Life
Somewhere in the last few decades, we developed the idea that sex should be spontaneous.
I’m not sure whom to blame for this – the media perhaps? Regardless of the culprit, spontaneity has become a characteristic that most of us deem vital to a sizzling sex life.
This is what the typical “spontaneous sex” fantasy tends to look like: you’re just going about your day when all of a suddenly you sense your partner’s gaze on you. You turn to make eye contact, and the chemistry in the air becomes palpable. You move towards each other, and you fall into your partner’s arms with a passionate kiss. You tumble around passionately for a few minutes, and sex is initiated without a word.
Hey, I won’t lie, of course it’s fun to have sex that is out of the blue and catches you by surprise. It is great when you have those moments where you’re on the exact same page as your sex partner, and the nonverbal communication just clicks.
But those experiences are far and few between, and we shouldn’t hold this interactional pattern up as the gold standard for sex. In fact, aiming for spontaneity all the time only serves to weaken your sex life.
Spontaneity is a lot more prevalent during the early honeymoon stage with a new partner, which is perhaps why we value it so highly. Of course those first hook-ups with someone can be an awful lot of fun.
But with a brand-new partner, overemphasizing spontaneity can get in the way of consent. As I’ve written before, we aren’t taught much in terms of navigating consent. We’re given lip service about “no means no”, but most of us are typically pretty clueless when it comes to getting in tune with what we want, confidently sharing that with a partner, and being comfortable with saying no.
The spontaneity model doesn’t leave any room for discussing what you actually want from a sexual interaction – you just go ahead and do it. New sex partners who fall for the spontaneity model might not make the effort to talk about their desires and comfort levels.
Ever had a sexual interaction where you and your partner fell into bed and you ended up going further than you had actually wanted? That may have happened because you and your partner were putting more emphasis on being spontaneous than on being in tune with yourselves.
When it comes to trying new things in your sex life, it’s definitely not a great idea to emphasize spontaneity.
If the new thing you’re trying is something simple, like a different kissing style, you probably don’t need to talk about it in great detail beforehand.
But if you’re wanting to try something a little more advanced, like a difficult sex position, an enactment of a fantasy, or a brand-new sexual behavior, spontaneity can lead to horrible outcomes. Imagine you have a secret rape fantasy that you’ve always wanted to try out with your partner, and you spontaneously ask him to pretend to be a rapist while the two of you were already hooking up. I don’t have to tell you how much could go wrong if you didn’t have the chance to explain what you envision when you think of a rape fantasy, what’s off-limits, what your safeword is. Similarly, imagine having anal sex spontaneously sprung on you without any discussion beforehand. When you’re trying out something new, you need to talk it out beforehand and create a game plan together.
For long-term partners, aiming for spontaneity every time sets the bar awfully high for sex.
To begin with, it’s unrealistic. Most couples have to fend off work schedules, exhaustion, roommates, kids, and even pets in order to have sex. Sometimes spontaneity and logistics just don’t mesh.
In addition, the idea of constant spontaneity can be extremely limiting for a couple. When you have the idea that sex needs to be this certain way every time, you may find yourself starting to lose some of your desire. Imagine having a friend who insisted on going out for a wild night of drinking every single time you hung out. Wouldn’t you eventually start to tire of seeing this friend? It’s the same way with expecting wild, spontaneous sex every time. Couples start to dread the effort that goes into being spontaneous. An unnecessary performance pressure develops. Most people would rather let their desire fade away than have to rise to this lofty expectation.
People like spontaneity because it doesn’t require us to take the responsibility of exploring, discovering, and asking for what we want. Let’s be honest, sometimes it seems like it would be amazing to have a partner who initiated every time, who always knew what you wanted and would magically give it to you before you even had to ask.
Unfortunately, this is just not a realistic fantasy, and it puts a lot of pressure on your partner.
It also prevents you from embarking on the incredible journey of becoming truly sexually empowered.
I promise you, becoming comfortable enough to know what you want out of your sex life is going to be way more pleasurable in the long run than mindlessly letting your partner initiate everything for you.
Finally, spontaneous sex can be tough on your sex life because it perpetuates the myth that good sex should just happen on its own. Having great sex is a skill that requires creativity, effort, and maintenance (fear not though – this shouldn’t feel like work. It can actually be a lot of fun!) If you insist on sex that is always spontaneous, you won’t be as willing to make the effort to keep your sex life exciting.
Spontaneous sex can be hot, but it’s important not to think of it as the be-all-end-all when it comes to sex. Let spontaneous sex happen when it happens, but remember that sex comes in an infinite variety of (just as exciting) flavors.