Did You Phub Your Partner Last Night?
I did. And I do it pretty regularly too.
I’ve phubbed my partner over breakfast, while out on a date, sitting in the car, and in bed.
So what the hell is phubbing?
No, it’s not some kinky new sex act. “Phubbing” is when you ignore your partner and pay attention to your cell phone instead. It’s a combination of the words “phone” and ‘snub.”
And we all do it. On a near-daily basis.
The average American checks their cell phone every six minutes. That’s about 150 times per day! With that level of frequency, it’s impossible not to end up cutting off or ignoring your partner.
It’s shockingly easy to phub, and most of us are such prolific phubbers that we don’t even realize we’re doing it anymore. We’re trained to whip out our phones when we hear those familiar notification dings. We’re used to constantly refreshing Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat. We’ve gotten in the habit of always having something to read, whether we’re in bed, on the train, on the toilet, or even walking from one room to another.
I’m sure you recognize that you’re a phubber too. But phubbing is one of those things that’s easy to brush off. You might be thinking, “yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn’t do it.” But most of us laugh it off, and don’t actually take it very seriously.
And that’s a huge mistake. Especially when it comes to our romantic relationships.
Think about the last time your partner phubbed you. Picture yourself back in that very moment. You’re looking at your partner, trying to talk to them. And their eyes are glued to their screen.
They’re not listening to you. They’re not looking at you. They’re not present with you.
It doesn’t feel good, does it?
If we know how bad it feels to be phubbed, why do we keep phubbing our partners?
Because we’re really good at convincing ourselves that our behavior isn’t that bad. We can find ways to justify each little incident. “I just wanted to check something really quick!” “I was looking at this before you started talking to me!” “I need time to unwind on my phone before I go to bed!”
I’m guilty of this too. Being a small business owner, I can very easily convince myself that it’s crucial that I see my work emails the second they come through. In reality, I’ve never had a work email that actually needed to be checked that very moment. There’s no good reason why I couldn’t wait a few minutes, or until after a conversation or after a date to check my email.
So yeah, we’re good at justifying our bad behavior, and convincing ourselves that it’s not that bad.
But the reality is that our phones are hurting our relationships so much more than we know.
After sex, money, and kids, phones are the #4 most common reason why couples fight. These are the kinds of complaints I hear about from my clients (and have experienced myself, for that matter):
“Date nights are so boring when all we’re doing is checking our phones.”
“My partner doesn’t respect me enough to put the phone aside.”
“We never end up having quality time together. The phone is like a constant third wheel.”
“My partner would rather interact with random people online than with me.”
“My partner spends so much time on their phone that there’s no time for us to be intimate.”
“My partner gets stressed out reading work emails, then winds up lashing out at me.”
“I feel lonely.”
Not only does phubbing not feel good in the moment, but it starts to build resentment between partners. You start feeling like you’re not as important to your partner as a measly chunk of metal. And that hurts.
So, let’s all stop justifying our bad behavior and start getting serious about phubbing.
First, let me share some general guidelines for phone etiquette when you’re with your partner:
Prevent yourself from even being tempted in the first place. Turn off the sounds on your phone whenever you’re interacting with your partner.
Don’t take your phone out until your conversation is finished. If you’re not sure, simply ask your partner – “anything else we need to talk about?”
If you want to use your phone to show your partner something, wait until they’ve stopped talking. Then, tell your partner, “I want to show you something” as you’re take out your phone. (This might sound like a silly step, but it really helps your partner understand that you’re trying to add something to the conversation.)
If your partner is looking at their phone, tell them, “hey, can I have your attention for a sec?” Ask them to do the same when they need to talk to you.
Make sure to have cell phone-free quality time. Sitting on the couch watching TV while you’re both on your cell phones does not count as quality time!
Since I’m a sex therapist, phubbing is of particular interest to me when it prevents or interrupts couples from being intimate with each other. Be honest – you’ve buried your face in your phone when you could sense that your partner was trying to initiate sex. We’ve all done it! Sometimes couples aren’t purposefully trying to turn each other down, but they’re both so engrossed in their phones that neither partner ends up initiating.
Either way, your phone ends up disrupting your sex life more than you realize.
With that in mind, I want to extend a challenge to you – for one week, try making your bed a phone-free zone.
At night, check your phone for the last time outside of your bedroom. Keep if outside of the bedroom if you can. If you rely on your phone for your alarm clock, keep it tucked under the bed or in your bedside table so you’re not tempted to check it.
When you get into bed, spend time with your partner instead of lost in your cell phone. Talk about your days. Snuggle up to each other. Massage each other’s backs. Tell each other stories. Have any sort of contact that doesn’t involve a phone.
In the morning, do the same. Spend at least five minutes saying good morning to each other before going to retrieve your phone.
After the week is up, have a conversation about the impact that a cell phone-free zone had on your relationship. What was it like to give each other your full and undivided attention? How did it affect your connection inside the bedroom and out?
From there, try designating one or two days a week as “phone-free-bedroom” days. You can also make a phub jar, and make each other put a dollar in each time you phub each other. Even just using the word “phubbing” can help you both lighten up and acknowledge the effects your phone habits have on each other.
I’m all about being realistic, and I know that cell phones aren’t going anywhere. My own phone habits are far from perfect. But perfect shouldn’t be the goal here. Even small changes in our phone etiquette can make huge differences in our relationships.
So try not to phub your partner tonight, OK?