Reader’s Request Fridays: Valentine’s Day Pressure

January 31,2014

This week’s question is one that comes up a lot during this time of year – “How do I handle all of the romantic and sexual pressure that surrounds Valentine’s Day?” (Heads-up to the single folks – this week is geared towards couples).

As a sex and relationship therapist, I feel pretty conflicted about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, I’m always glad to see people devoting more energy and awareness to their relationships. On the other, the insane commercialization of the holiday, and the pressure that now comes along with it, make me wary.

What could be a personal and enjoyable celebration turns more often than not into a mess of expectation and unoriginality. The sense of obligation around creating an elaborate and perfect evening usually takes away from any actual enjoyment you might get out of spending time together. Stereotypical gender roles tend to resurface (the man is usually seen as the one who is responsible for planning the celebrations), and cookie-cutter notions of romance – roses, boxes of chocolates, teddy bears – prevail.

And lets not forget about the sex! Forget the fact that February 14th is just another day on the calendar – not having sex on V-Day is often seen as a bad omen. It doesn’t seem matter whether you actually want to have sex or not on this particular day.

In addition, a lot of couples feel pressured to have super kinky, passionate, and intense sex on Valentine’s Day.

It’s as if we are supposed to become totally different people on V-Day – leave your inhibitions and hang-ups at the door and magically become wild and adventurous in the sack. When you pair these obligations and expectations with the fact that most people celebrate Valentine’s Day with heavy, alcohol-soaked dinners, you get a recipe for disastrous sex.

There are better alternatives to battling the phone lines for an overpriced dinner reservation, picking up that bland box of chocolates, and awkwardly forcing yourself to bust out the fuzzy pink handcuffs. Here are some ideas:

• Have a conversation with your partner about whether or not you actually want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Just because it’s on the calendar doesn’t mean you have to participate. If you love Valentine’s Day, that’s great – just make the active, conscious decision to celebrate. If you don’t, be honest with each other, and talk about your reasons. You may be surprised to discover that neither of you wants to celebrate!

• Do something you actually want to do. I know this sounds incredibly simplistic, but I can’t tell you how many people go through the motions with Valentine’s plans that don’t sound like very much fun to them. If you don’t like fancy dinners, don’t have a fancy dinner!

• Find a personal and unique way to celebrate. This goes hand-in-hand with the above point. Get in touch with what romance and intimacy actually mean to you, both individually and as a couple. Maybe you spent one of your first dates on a long hike or sifting through an antique store. Perhaps one of your favorite activities as a couple is watching marathons of Game of Thrones. Have a Scrabble showdown, build a pillow fort, make s’mores, go on a bike ride, have a dance party for two, plan your next vacation together, celebrate jointly with another couple – whatever it is that actually has meaning to you. You could even consider scrapping February 14th and choosing a more personal day to have a silly, special celebration.

• Have hot sex the day before. Take some of the pressure off Valentine’s Day by getting down on the 13th. It might help you approach V-Day with less pressure and stress.

• If you do have sex on Valentine’s Day, do it before dinner and drinks! No one likes bloated, tipsy, gassy sex.

• Consider sticking to the basics with V-Day sex. Regardless of if you celebrate or not, the 14th tends to be a tough day for experimentation. As hard as you may try to separate yourself from the expectations of the holiday, it’s not always possible. I’ve heard horror stories from couples who decided that February 14th was the day to try light bondage or anal play for the first time. They went for Olympic-level sex without any preparation, ended up flailing awkwardly, and were left wishing they’d stuck with good ol’ Missionary instead.

• Rather than pressuring yourselves to have one hot night of passion, have your Valentine’s Day present to each other be a commitment to investing in your sexual relationship. One of the amazing things about sex is that you can always get better at it. Just take a second to think about how amazing that is. Buy a sex book to read together. Research workshops. Sign up for a Sexploration Session! My original inspiration for the Sexploration Session actually came from a few couples who gave each other sex therapy sessions as Valentine’s Day presents. They were tired of stuffed animals and tacky lingerie, so they set up consultation sessions with me. I interviewed them about their sex lives separately, gave them feedback on areas that they could work on, and created a few personalized exercises for them to try out. It was a ton of fun, and way more exciting that your usual Valentine’s Day.