Reader’s Request Fridays: Staying Present During Sex

November 15,2013

Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. On Reader’s Request Fridays, I address one reader email.

This week’s question comes from Joanna*. She writes, “How can I enjoy sex with my boyfriend more? I usually find myself distracted when I’m having sex. I’ve never been sexually abused or anything like that.”

Getting Distracted During Sex | Vanessa Marin Sex Therapy

Thanks for the question Joanna! Staying present during sex is something that can be very difficult for men and women alike.

Sex has the ability to be the most enjoyable activity of our day, but we are often distracted by to-do lists, performance pressure, relationship dynamics, lack of sleep, lack of time, poor body image, children, roommates, pets, past traumatic experiences, embarrassment, sexual misinformation, and bad technique. And that list is by no means exhaustive!

Without knowing more about your specific situation, it’s hard to say what it is exactly that is diverting your attention away from sex. Nonetheless, I can give you some general guidelines to follow:

 

Set yourself up for success!

I can’t tell you how many couples expect to have great sex without setting the stage for a wonderful encounter. Here are just a few simple ways to prioritize your enjoyment:

 

Examine how pressure may play a part in your sex life

We all have expectations about what sex is “supposed” to be like, and what we “should” and “should not” do when it comes to intimacy. These rules frequently get in the way of our actual enjoyment of sex.

Ask yourself the following questions, and examine how they might be affecting your ability to be engaged during sex.

 

Acknowledge your history with sex

Joanna mentioned that she has never been sexually abused. She’s lucky. Around 25% of women have experienced some type of sexual abuse in their lifetimes, and some studies put that figure much higher.

Having a sexual experience that felt even slightly boundary-crossing to you can put your body on the alert, and cause you to dissociate during sex.

Many sexual abuse survivors report feeling completely detached from their bodies during sex. It can feel like you’re watching yourself from afar, or floating along near the ceiling.

Dissociation usually feels pretty different from distraction. This topic deserves its own post, but it’s something that deserves mentioning in response to this question.

 

Be honest about your and your partner’s skill levels

We don’t get taught how to have good sex, and many of us are still quite clueless when it comes to sex. If you’re having sex that doesn’t feel particularly good, of course your brain is going to go elsewhere.

Fortunately, learning to have better sex can be a lot of fun. Consider some of the following options:

 

What to do in the moment

 

I hope this helps!

*Names changed for privacy