Reader’s Request Fridays: Staying Present During Sex
Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. On Reader’s Request Fridays, I address one reader email.
This week’s question comes from Joanna*. She writes, “How can I enjoy sex with my boyfriend more? I usually find myself distracted when I’m having sex. I’ve never been sexually abused or anything like that.”
Thanks for the question Joanna! Staying present during sex is something that can be very difficult for men and women alike.
Sex has the ability to be the most enjoyable activity of our day, but we are often distracted by to-do lists, performance pressure, relationship dynamics, lack of sleep, lack of time, poor body image, children, roommates, pets, past traumatic experiences, embarrassment, sexual misinformation, and bad technique. And that list is by no means exhaustive!
Without knowing more about your specific situation, it’s hard to say what it is exactly that is diverting your attention away from sex. Nonetheless, I can give you some general guidelines to follow:
Set yourself up for success!
I can’t tell you how many couples expect to have great sex without setting the stage for a wonderful encounter. Here are just a few simple ways to prioritize your enjoyment:
- Take some time to connect with each other and engage in foreplay.
- Play your favorite music, light a candle, or wear something sexy.
- Carve half an hour out of every day that will be time for just you and your partner. You don’t have to have sex, but that time is yours and yours alone.
- Have sex when you are feeling energetic and alert, not when you’re exhausted at the end of the day.
- Turn off your cell phones.
- Plan date nights and get a babysitter.
- If you frequently have sex in your bedroom, make sure you have nice sheets, good lighting, and a sturdy lock.
Examine how pressure may play a part in your sex life
We all have expectations about what sex is “supposed” to be like, and what we “should” and “should not” do when it comes to intimacy. These rules frequently get in the way of our actual enjoyment of sex.
Ask yourself the following questions, and examine how they might be affecting your ability to be engaged during sex.
- Do I frequently feel inauthentic or phony when I’m having sex?
- Do I have sex when I don’t actually feel any desire to?
- Are there things that I don’t allow myself to do or ask for during sex? Or things that I go ahead and do even though they make me uncomfortable?
- How do I feel about my body during sex? Am I ever getting distracted by negative feelings about how I look?
- What’s my level of comfort with my genitals?
Acknowledge your history with sex
Joanna mentioned that she has never been sexually abused. She’s lucky. Around 25% of women have experienced some type of sexual abuse in their lifetimes, and some studies put that figure much higher.
Having a sexual experience that felt even slightly boundary-crossing to you can put your body on the alert, and cause you to dissociate during sex.
Many sexual abuse survivors report feeling completely detached from their bodies during sex. It can feel like you’re watching yourself from afar, or floating along near the ceiling.
Dissociation usually feels pretty different from distraction. This topic deserves its own post, but it’s something that deserves mentioning in response to this question.
Be honest about your and your partner’s skill levels
We don’t get taught how to have good sex, and many of us are still quite clueless when it comes to sex. If you’re having sex that doesn’t feel particularly good, of course your brain is going to go elsewhere.
Fortunately, learning to have better sex can be a lot of fun. Consider some of the following options:
- Read a sexual guide together (may I suggest my own?)
- Watch an educational sex video
- Sign up for a session of sex therapy
- Take a workshop from a local sex shop
- Come up with experiments to try with each other
What to do in the moment
- Recognize that it’s impossible to stay 100% present 100% of the time. Moving in and out of consciousness is normal. When you catch yourself going somewhere else mentally, simply take a deep breath and try to bring your attention back to the present moment.
- You’ll have more success taking a quick second to acknowledge your distracting thoughts than you will trying to banish yourself from thinking of anything other than sex. Create a visual of setting your thoughts aside. Each time something pops into your head, imagine setting it down in a safe place to come back to later.
- Try to slow down. Go back to deep, sensual kisses. Stroke and caress each other. Do a little more foreplay, even if you had already moved on to the main course.
- Take a quick break from what you’re doing to reconnect with your partner. Pull apart from each other and take a moment to take each other in. Smile. Make eye contact with each other.
I hope this helps!
*Names changed for privacy