Reader’s Request Fridays: How To Get The Most Out Of Sex Therapy
This week’s question comes from a new client, who asked me how she might be able to get the maximize our time together. I see clients for a wide variety of issues. Some of my clients stay for long-term work, repairing broken marriages or processing sexual abuse. Others come in for just a few sessions to get some ideas for bringing the spark back to their relationship or learn how to experience greater pleasure during sex. Whatever your reason for seeking sex therapy may be, I have some valuable tips for making sure you get the most out of our time together.
Congratulate yourself!
It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, especially with a topic as sensitive as sex. I have clients tell me it took them weeks or even months to work up the nerve to reach out to me. I think it’s important to thank yourself for taking steps to improve your sex life. Simply acknowledge your bravery, or take it a step further by taking your self or your partner out on a date night.
Commit
Sex therapy requires time, money, and emotion. I try to be very upfront with new clients about that fact. I know that in this age of instant gratification, commitments can often feel scary! Whether you’re doing just a few sessions or anticipating a long-haul, tell yourself that you’re prepared to make a commitment to yourself. You have to be ready to embark on this journey, and willing to give yourself enough space for change to happen.
Show up to your appointments
Yup! Life is inevitably going to get in the way at times, but try to keep making the time to show up even when you’re stressed out or tired. It’s also worth noting that resistance can come up during the course of sex therapy. Many of us have protective parts of ourselves that would rather run and hide. Its important to keep showing up, even when you feel scared.
Be honest
I know how hard it is to talk about the most intimate details of your life with a stranger! Plenty of new clients are scared about being totally upfront about their struggles. You don’t need to share your entire life story during our first meeting. I’ll try my best to help you feel comfortable and make sure we’re going at an appropriate pace. But keep in mind that the more I know, the better I’m able to help you!
Make time for reflection
We can cover a lot of ground in 50 minutes! A lot of my clients find it useful to spend some time after the session reviewing what we covered. Writing in a journal can be particularly helpful. You can take some notes, write down the exercises we discussed, and list any questions you may have for the next time. Keeping a therapy journal is a great way to remind yourself what we’ve done, and you may find yourself returning to your notes months or years later. One of the benefits of video chat sessions is that you have the opportunity to do this kind of reflection immediately after the session ends.
Do your homework
In my style of sex therapy, I provide a lot of exercises and homework assignments. I want them to be as fun as possible, but doing something different can feel a little anxiety-inducing at times. I always tell my clients that personal growth is about balance. You’ve got to nudge yourself out of your comfort zone, but you can’t be too hard on yourself. You want to get in touch with your personal reasons for wanting to make a change, and use them as the motivation to make the time and space for doing the exercises.
Be patient with yourself
If you put a lot of pressure on yourself to change or learn quickly, you’re only going to lengthen the process. Humans can be stubborn creatures, and we don’t like being forced into anything! Sex therapy is not a linear A-to-B process, and you’re going to have moments where you feel like you’re not making any progress. The clients who have had the most success are the ones who are gentle and patient with themselves.
Have fun!
I wholeheartedly believe that sex therapy can be a lot of fun. I try to help my clients focus on the genuinely pleasurable aspects of our work together. The more you’re able to enjoy the process, the more successful our time together will be!