One Week No Advice Listening Challenge
Many of us drastically underestimate the power of listening.
I’m not quite sure why that is, as most of us have probably had at least one experience of being truly listening to, and were able to recognize in that moment how good it felt. You may have felt cared for, held, witnessed, seen, acknowledged, understood, or loved.
There’s a visceral, felt sense we get when we know that someone is giving us their full attention.
Given our knowledge of the importance of listening, why don’t we make more of an effort to be better listeners?
I find that one of the simplest things that gets in the way of our ability to be good listeners is our propensity to give advice.
We seem to feel an inescapable pull towards giving someone our thoughts on what they “should” do in any given situation. It’s as if we feel compelled to do so. As if we think the person speaking to us will be upset if we don’t chime in with our two cents.
The problems with advice are many.
To begin with, it’s hard not to give advice without imposing a judgment on the other person. Giving advice can imply that you think the person you’re talking to is too weak, submissive, stubborn, illogical, or dumb to recognize the answer that you have so quickly produced for them.
Specific pieces of advice may also come along with certain judgments; it’s hard to imagine telling a friend she should stop a workplace flirtation without implying that she’s a “bad person” for doing so.
Giving advice also frequently turns into problem solving, which draws us out of our emotional experiences. While problem solving is obviously necessary to get through life, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional implications of our dilemmas. For example, we can’t make the decision to move across country for a loved one without allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow of having to say goodbye to a place we have called home. We can’t decide to break up with our partners without acknowledging the anguish of not having them in our lives.
Going straight to problem-solving mode often cuts off our ability to feel these emotions.
Additionally, when we jump right to advice-giving, we don’t acknowledge that the other person may be feeling genuinely stuck. People don’t usually turn to others to talk through easy decisions or situations; it’s only when things are messy and complicated when we really need someone to bounce our thoughts and emotions off of.
It can feel good to have someone else acknowledge and sympathize with the tricky position that you are in.
And finally, our desire to give advice can put a stranglehold on our ability to actually be present with our loved one while they are speaking to us.
Coming up with a solution, even if it’s not your problem, can be anxiety-provoking and complicated. Imagine trying to counsel a friend on whether or not he should get divorced. If you feel pressure to give him a definitive “yes” or “no”, you’re likely going to start weighing the pros and cons to yourself in your own head. You won’t have the capacity to listen to what he’s saying.
For all of these reasons and more, we can greatly improve our abilities to truly listen to our loved ones if we try to set aside advice-giving.
For one entire week, try listening to your friends and family members without offering any sort of advice! Try practicing other basic good listening behaviors too.
If you’re explicitly asked for advice, you can decide whether or not you’d like to give it. But unless you’re asked for it, don’t provide it.
Carefully notice how your loved ones respond to your changed stance.
They may be surprised at first – perhaps they’re used to you being quite liberal with your opinions! Do they open themselves up more? Do they show a wider array of emotions and thoughts? Do they seem to somehow settle into the reality of their situation? There are tons of subtle responses that people have to being deeply listened to.
Also notice what it feels like for you. Do you feel anxiety or nervousness? Do you find your brain still racing through advice possibilities?
At the end of the week, take a moment to reflect on how the experience has been for you, and if it’s something you might be able to incorporate into your life more frequently.