The Quest For The “Perfect Penis”
It’s not just women who face tremendous pressure when it comes to their bodies and their sexualities; men have just as many demands and expectations placed on them. I think we tend to talk more about women because the pressures placed on women can seem more extreme. Women get breast implants, butt implants, and liposuction. They get surgery to attain the “perfect vagina”. They feel trapped between being perceived as “too slutty” and “too frigid”. Yet men are increasingly turning to more and more extreme solutions to fixing their perceived physical and sexual problems. Rates of male plastic surgery have dramatically increased in the last few years, and incredibly invasive surgeries to increase penis or testicle size are becoming popular. Just as women feel pressured to have the “perfect vagina”, men feel pressured to have the “perfect penis”.
One recent development in this quest is the creation of penile numbing spray. The average man lasts for about five minutes before ejaculating. For many men and their partners, five minutes feels insufficient. Men also worry about not feeling “in control” of their orgasm. Promescent, which has recently been approved by the FDA, promises to help “cure” this problem. Promescent is essentially lidocaine, a local anesthetic. It numbs the penis, making it take longer to reach ejaculation. Promescent’s makers, Absorption Pharmaceuticals, claims that most of its users are in long-term relationships, but that at least 30% of users are single men who use the drug recreationally.
While I can absolutely understand and sympathize with the frustration that so many men suffer from when it comes to orgasming too quickly, Promescent hardly seems like a good solution. To begin with, the mechanics of usage are complicated and get in the way of any real intimacy between a couple. A man has to spray Promescent on his flaccid penis, then wait ten minutes to let the solution soak into the skin. If you try to have sexual contact before those ten minutes are up, you risk numbing other parts of the body (including the vagina or anus of his partner). Imagine starting to get intimate with a partner, feeling the energy between the two of you, noticing your desire start to swell… then having to excuse yourself to go sit alone, cool yourself down, spray cold fluid on your penis, and wait in the bathroom for ten minutes before returning. Doesn’t exactly sound sexy, does it? Even once you get back to having sex with your partner, your penis is going to be too numb to feel all of the usual sensations that typically accompany sex. Many men who have used Promescent report that they are unable to sustain a full erection since they can’t feel enough stimulation to get completely erect. I can imagine any man feeling just as much anxiety about a numb, partially erect penis as he would about ejaculating too quickly.
Promescent also helps users brush over the fact that there is usually a good reason why a man is experiencing premature ejaculation (I prefer to call it rapid ejaculation). Many times there are medical causes, which can be rooted out and treated by a doctor who is sensitive to and competent in treating sexual issues. Other times, the cause may be psychological. I once heard another sex therapist describe sexual dysfunction as a functional response to a dysfunctional situation. In other words, your penis (or vagina) may be responding appropriately to what is going on in the dynamics of your life or your relationship with your sexual partner. You may be feeling pressured by your partner (or by yourself) to perform. Your partner may be insulting to you when you don’t meet his or her expectations. The situation may have snowballed and worsened over time. You may be wanting to end the relationship for other reasons. You may have experienced some sort of sexual trauma. Rather than turning to a “quick fix” solution like Promescent, you may want to try seeking the help of a sex therapist to get to the heart of your sexual dissatisfaction. Even when there is no underlying cause for your rapid ejaculation, a skilled sex therapist can help you and your partner find ways to work with your particular ejaculation timeline, and create a sex life that is still connected, intimate, and fulfilling, without the use of anesthesia.
Interested in learning about how sex therapy can help with rapid ejaculation? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.