Want To Stop Being A Jerk To Your Partner? Try This
Personal confession: I can be a real jerk to my husband sometimes. I think one of the biggest ironies of being in relationships is that we’re often the meanest to the people we love the most.
One of the triggers that brings out my inner asshole is when my husband accidentally bumps into me. I know this sounds like a ridiculous thing to get upset about, but hear me out!
I’m a pretty small person (5’ even!), and I tend to get bumped around a good deal. I know that my husband never intends to hurt me, but there’s something about being knocked into that makes me automatically defensive and angry.
I know that deeper issue are getting stirred up for me in the moment. Memories of being teased for my size when I was younger. People picking me up, or resting their elbows on my head. Calling me “shrimp.” Making me feel less than for being so small.
Even though my husband has no part in this history, I can imbue our tiny, innocent interactions with so much meaning; “he doesn’t even notice that I’m here!” “He doesn’t care enough to be more careful!”
So I get angry, pouty, and rude whenever it happens. Sometimes I’ll clam right up and just stew in my anger. Sometimes I’ll call him a jerk.
I’ll come back around and apologize for it later, and my husband knows me well enough to know that this is just a thing for me. I know that I can’t be a perfect partner, but it frustrates me that I have that reaction just about every time.
Then I had a really funny experience when a friend bumped into me. I instantly felt my hackles go up, just as they usually do. But I looked over at my friend’s face, heard their apology, and was able to let it go. “Oh, it’s OK!” I said, surprising myself with the lightness in my voice. Being jostled triggered me, but I was able to release those feelings quickly without taking them out on my friend.
Thinking about the incident later, I had to laugh at how different my reactions were with my friend versus with my husband. I also felt like even more of a jerk.
The next time my husband accidentally knocked into me, I took a deep breath and pictured my friend’s face. I listened to my husband’s apology, and imagined how I’d respond if it was my friend in front of me instead of my husband.
And you know what? It actually worked. Calling up that memory of being with my friend reminded me that I could choose how to react in the moment. It was OK for me to still feel defensive or upset, but I could also recognize that I had options for how to respond.
I highly recommend giving this little trick a try the next time you find yourself getting triggered by your partner! Picture the face of a good friend. Someone that you’re usually able to be kind and generous towards. Take a deep breath, and see if you can let your inner jerk relax!