Suck At Communication? Try These Five Simple Hacks
This month’s brand new topic is communication!
Communication is the backbone of all of our relationships, and it’s especially important when it comes to romantic relationships and sex.
But damn, communication is SO HARD!
I’ve been trained in how to communicate properly, and I still make communication mistakes allllll the time! (More on that later this month…)
This is such a huge topic, so I wanted to give you a few straightforward, actionable places to get started.
Today I’m sharing five communication hacks that you can use to dramatically improve your relationship with your partner.
These tips are plucked from The Passion Project, my online course that helps couples with mismatched sex drives reignite their spark.
Communication Hack #1 – Imagine You’re Talking To A Friend
Most of us tend to be much better communicators with our friends than we are with our partners. We listen to them more closely. We don’t get as triggered by what they say. We have more patience with our friends, and tend to give them the benefit of the doubt.
The next time you and your partner are having a conversation, pretend that your partner is your friend instead. Actually imagine one of your best friends standing in front of you, instead of your partner. See how that changes the way you talk to your partner!
For example, let’s say your partner left their clothes on the floor yet again. If you’re talking to your partner, you blurt out something like, “Are you freaking kidding me? How many times do I have to ask you to pick up your clothes? Do I look like your maid?” But to a friend, you might say, “Hey, can you pick up these clothes? It would be awesome if you could try to do that every day!”
This is a really fun hack to play with, and it’s is surprisingly effective in the moment!
Communication Hack #2 – Forget The Words “Never” And “Always”
The words “always” and “never” just aren’t true. It’s extremely rare in life that something happens 100% or 0% of the time.
Using these words immediately puts your partner on the defensive. It makes them feel trapped. If they “always” or “never” do something, then you’re basically saying they’re incapable of doing anything different. It also sets the bar really low for improving. In order to stop “never” or “always” doing something, you only need to do it (or not do it) a tiny bit more or less in order to prove you wrong.
If there’s something different that you want from your partner, using the words “always” and “never” basically ensures that you won’t get the change that you want.
For example, let’s say you want your partner to initiate sex more frequently. If you scream at them, “You never initiate sex”, you’re pretty much guaranteeing that they’re not going to initiate anytime soon.
Communication Hack #3 – Don’t Ask Questions That Aren’t Questions
A lot of us have a hard time asking for what we want, so we tend to hide our requests in fake questions.
Here are some examples:
“Are you almost done with that?”
“Are you going to be home soon?”
On the surface, they sound like questions, but they’re actually requests.
“Are you almost done with that?” might really be asking, “Can you come spend some time with me?”
“Are you going to be home soon?” might really be asking, “Can you help me with the kids?”
Hiding requests in questions sets your partner up for failure because they think they’re just supposed to answer the objective question, not address the emotional need beneath it.
So your partner will respond, “No, I have to spend another hour finishing this work project.”
Of course, that kind of response is going to hurt your feelings if what you had really wanted to ask was, “Can you spend some time with me?”
But if you had actually asked, “Can you spend some time with me?” I can guarantee that your partner’s response would have been much different.
Whenever you feel yourself having an edgy tone or delivery with a question, try to take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this really a question? Or is there a specific request that I can make instead?”
Communication Hack #4 – Pretend You’re A Stranger To Your Partner
Earlier, I suggested imagining your friend instead of your partner. Now I have an even weirder suggestion – imagine that you’re a stranger to your partner.
Most of us want our partners to just know what we want, without having to ask them for it.
You might want your partner to know what you want so badly that it’s painful when it doesn’t happen. In the moment, it might feel like, “Wait a minute, haven’t we been together for a decade? Why don’t you know that I’m cranky because I haven’t had any alone time in a week?”
And sometimes, you might not even know what you need, or what to ask. You might already be so frustrated with yourself that it makes it easy to get frustrated with your partner for not knowing either.
But the unfortunate reality of life is that your partner simply can’t read your mind.
As well as your partner may know you, you are always going to be somewhat alien to them, and they are always going to be somewhat alien to you.
We get ourselves into trouble when we want our partners to just magically know what to do, without us asking for what we want or even knowing what we want in the first place.
So when you’re talking to your partner, especially around your needs, imagine that you’re a stranger to your partner, and you have to be crystal-clear in explaining what you want to them.
(Does this idea feel super tricky for you? Don’t worry… I’m going to have a special resource for you later this month…)
Communication Hack #5 – Aim For Understanding, Not Agreement
Good communication doesn’t mean that you’re going to agree all the time. In fact, you’re probably going to disagree more often than you agree.
Instead, the goal of communication should be understanding.
Let me give you an example from a couple I recently worked with. For her birthday, he had bought her expensive lingerie. She was extremely self-conscious of her body, and hated lingerie, so the gift really upset her. They had both gotten defensive, and had gotten into an enormous argument over it. In the course of working together, I helped them differentiate between agreement and understanding. The wife didn’t need to agree that it was a fabulous present. The husband didn’t need to agree that it was a cruel present. Instead, the wife needed to understand that the husband’s intentions were good, and the husband needed to understand that the impacts of his actions were painful to her.
It’s a subtle difference, but it’s an incredibly powerful one. Perfect agreement is rare in any relationship, but understanding is almost always attainable.