If You Usually Get A “No”, Try Initiating Sex In This Way
Is it possible for just one word to make a huge impact on your sex life?
Today I’m here to show you that it is.
Drumroll please… the word is…
Open
Instead of asking your partner, “Do you want to have sex?” ask them, “Are you open to having sex?”
But before I explain why this works so well, let me back up. In case you missed the news last week, this month’s brand new topic is how to balance mismatched sex drives in a relationship.
This month, I’m sharing with you five stories from five couples who have gone through my online course for overcoming mismatched sex drives: The Passion Project: A Couples Blueprint To Rediscovering Desire And Reigniting The Spark. (For the record, I got permission to share these stories, and I’ve changed or omitted any identifying details.)
I thought it would be interesting to share the most powerful lessons these real couples learned from working with their mismatched sex drives for two major reasons:
It’s an important reminder that all couples have to deal with mismatched sex drives.
To show you that you can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life even if your libidos are different.
Today’s tip is plucked straight out of The Passion Project. It was such a popular technique and got so much great feedback when I ran the course in November and February, so I decided to share it with you.
So here’s why changing this one word can be so powerful.
Think about what typically happens when your partner initiates sex. Typically, people ask, “Do you want to have sex?” Or that might be the question you ask yourself if you can tell your partner is interested in being intimate.
It’s the most common question that comes up around sexual initiation.
It’s also the worst question to ask.
Why? Because it sets the bar too high.
When you and your partner have different sex drives, the chances that you’re going to actively want sex in the exact same moment that your partner wants sex are really low. Practically non-existent.
And if you’re a Responsive sex drive type, this question is even worse, because you’re not going to mentally want sex until you’re already physically aroused. The answer to “do you want to have sex?” is almost always going to be “no”! (Not sure if you’re a Responsive sex drive type? Head on over here to get my free guide to the two sex drive types and how to know which one you are!)
For a lot of couples, the very word “want” has become loaded.
If you’ve been struggling with mismatched sex drives for a while, there’s a dynamic that has built up around that one person wanting something that the other person hasn’t been able to give.
When you’re the lower sex drive partner, feeling that sense of wanting from your partner can make you shut down. Sometimes it feels like you can never live up to what your partner wants.
Thinking about sex in terms of whether or not you “want” it in that moment just doesn’t work.
Instead, try asking each other, “are you open to being intimate?” When you can tell your partner wants to have sex, ask yourself, “am I open to having sex?” or “am I open to seeing if I can get turned on?”
Changing the question in that way lowers the bar to a much more reasonable level.
You’re acknowledging that it’s OK to not feel that mental desire in that exact second, and you’re seeing if you’re open to the possibility that you could eventually get there.
You’re also side-stepping a lot of the discomfort that can build up around the word want. There’s something about the word “open” that feels much softer, less demanding, less insistent.
Even if one person doesn’t end up being open to taking things any further than kissing or foreplay in any given instance, it still changes the energy between the two of you. If you’re the partner who initiated, you’ll feel more seen and respected, and you’ll appreciate your partner’s openness and effort.
Now, let me share a story about this trick from a real couple who has gone through The Passion Project.
Today’s couple is Barbara and Jim. They’re in their 50s, and recently became empty nesters. They were hoping that having the kids out of the house would bring the passion back to their relationship, but were pretty devastated to realize that their sex life never rebounded. Barbara had a pretty active sex drive when she was younger, but she was sexually assaulted on a date before she met Jim. The trauma caused her sex drive to shut down almost completely.
Here’s Barbara’s story: “In The Passion Project, you mentioned ways to take this tip and make it my own. When I was in therapy for the assault, I learned that I can shut down with each new ‘base’ Jim and I would get to. When we took The Passion Project, Jim and I decided to break sex down into steps. He now asks me, ‘are you open to kissing me?’ I decide if I am or not. Then he pulls away and asks me, ‘are you open to letting me touch your body?’ I decide. Then something like, ‘are you open to letting me give you oral sex?’ It makes it a lot easier for me to stay relaxed. And also, saying ‘yes’ to all of these steps started to feel sensual! We’ve completely changed the way we initiate sex, and it has been wonderful.”
Here’s Jim’s story: “Even though I have a higher sex drive than Barbara, my sex drive has changed as I’ve gotten older. I don’t feel that same carnal passion I used to feel, and I’ve spent the last few years judging myself for not being more of ‘a man.’ At first the ‘open’ trick felt like it was more for Barbara than for me. But as we practiced it, it made me feel better about my own sex drive too. I can start off just feeling ‘open’, but build up to a lot of passion. Passion can originate from different places.”
Ready To Rediscover Desire And Reignite Your Spark?
I mentioned last week that I recently made the decision to keep The Passion Project open year-round. If you’re interested in learning more simple, practical tips that can help you and your partner overcome mismatched sex drives and have a more frequent, more pleasurable, and more satisfying sex life, head on over here!