The Weekend Sexperiment: Have A Conversation About Maintenance Sex
This week I was quoted in a story about maintenance sex on Jezebel. Not familiar with the topic of maintenance sex? I’ll let the article explain:
It doesn’t often factor into our discussions about sex and relationships that, within a relationship, you sometimes just go along with sex because the other person wants it. But: Don’t you? And is it okay? And are there rules for this kind of thing?
This kind of sex is maintenance sex, “duty sex.” It’s when you don’t actually feel like having sex with your partner for a variety of reasons—too tired, too bored, just not feeling it—but you do it anyway because they want to, you feel bad for them, or want them to have release, even though you’re not necessarily into the idea of initiating sex. It’s pacifying sex. It probably isn’t that great, at least not when it’s getting going, though it has the potential to become great. And it’s arguably the glue of many relationships’ sex lives during certain periods.
I strongly recommend clicking through and reading the full article, but the opinion that I shared with Jezebel is that I’m pro-maintenance sex, for a variety of reasons:
It promotes generosity and goodwill
Maintenance sex is a way to take care of your partner and show that their needs are important to you. It can feel really good to be generous towards the person you love, and see that satisfied smile on his or her face. It also makes your partner more open to being generous in return. Too often I see couples where sex has become a weapon. Partners withhold sex as a way to punish or hurt each other. Generosity is the perfect antidote to sexual warfare!
It helps you prioritize intimacy
Sex has a tendency to die off in long-term relationships, but maintenance sex can prevent you from falling into long dry spells. There’s a certain inertia that really comes into play when it comes to sex – the more you have sex, the easier it feels to keep having it. The longer you go without having it, the easier it feels to keep not having it.
You may end up enjoying it more than you think
I’ve noticed that this is particularly true for women. Many women need a little bit of time to warm up to the idea of sex. I’ve heard from a lot of my clients who were surprised by how much they ended up enjoying a sexual interaction that they weren’t particularly jazzed about to begin with.
It keep things interesting
It’s easy to fall into a routine when you’re having sex with the same person. Maintenance sex is a way to break out of that rut. Many people don’t seem to realize that maintenance sex doesn’t need to mean intercourse. You can offer a hand job, playing with a vibrator, watching them get themselves off, oral sex, anal play, mutual masturbation, or even a make-out session. When you broaden your definition of sex, it shakes things up and makes sex feel more interesting.
This weekend, your Sexperiment is to talk about maintenance sex with your partner. Do you agree with my opinion? Is maintenance sex already a part of your relationship? Or is it something you would consider incorporating?
If you’re single, think about the role maintenance sex has played in past relationships, or how you would like to to function in future relationships.
Here are some questions to get you started:
“What feels right for us when it comes to our sex life?” (You can address sexual frequency, variety, initiation, and communication)
“Are we being respectful of both of our needs?”
“What’s getting in the way of us taking care of each other’s needs?”
“Are there times where maintenance sex could benefit us?”
Happy Sexperimenting!