The Weekend Sexperiment: Quit Delaying Your Pleasure

June 06,2014

You have “I’ll do it when…” syndrome, don’t you?

Let’s check. How many of the following statements have you found yourself uttering?

I’ll do it when I have more money

I’ll do it when we’re getting along better

I’ll do it when I’ve lost weight

I’ll do it when the kids are gone

I’ll do it when I have a new job

I’ll do it when I have more time

I’ll do it when I’m more confident

I’ll do it… later…

So many of us desire gratification (instant gratification even!), but end up putting our pleasure on the backburner. We have the tendency to deny ourselves pleasure until the more “important” things are finished first.

I ran into this phenomenon first-hand last week. I had a little break between clients, and going on a walk around Hayes Valley sounded really pleasurable. But then I noticed a tiny hit of guilt, and it felt like I needed to “accomplish” something before “rewarding” myself with some time out in the sun.

I said to myself, “I’ll do it right after I finish up some paperwork.” Before I knew it, I was looking up at the clock and realizing I didn’t have any time for a walk. I had “I’ll do it when”-ed myself.

This comes up around sex and relationships a lot too. All of the following sentences have been uttered in my office:

I’ll try out that position when I’ve lost weight

I’ll have sex with him when I look prettier

I’ll focus on my pleasure when my job isn’t so crazy

I’ll ask her out when I’m more toned up

I’ll take that romantic vacation when I get a raise

I’ll ask him to come into therapy with me when we stop fighting so much

The problem is that the “when” in “I’ll do it when” never ends up coming.

We’re never fully satisfied with our bodies, we’re never completely finished with work, we’re never getting along with each other perfectly, we’re never totally rested. And consequently, we never give ourselves a chance to experience pleasure.

Some of you might be thinking right now, “but I can’t just go around putting my pleasure first all the time! I have important things to do!” That’s true. You need a roof over your head. You’ve got to pay the bills.

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t any space for pleasure in your life.

The thing with pleasure is that it usually is the small things that make us the happiest. The short walks, the little kisses, the deep breaths, the five extra minutes of sleep. You’re not going to wind up destitute on the street because you took a bubble bath.

This weekend, your task is to take at least one of your “I’ll do it when”-s and do it now. Yup, right now. This very second if you can. And every time you catch yourself saying “I’ll do it when” this weekend, just do that thing right in that moment.

It takes a little time to heal from “I’ll do it when”-itis, but you’ll be all the happier for it, I promise.